A Film-Strip Negative of What’s to Come

I’ve been struggling through some insecurities that have been resurfacing in my heart lately, and have found myself way more emotional than usual. (My poor mother and boyfriend, with the phone calls they’ve been getting. :)) But the past few days have been just the sweetest times with the Lord, realizing that I need to let Him speak into these insecurities, because He’s the only One who really can…and remembering He loves to speak life into me, because I’m His daughter. Here are a couple things I journaled today, that were beautiful reminders to me:

The Garden Room

May 1st, how glad I am to see you! Particularly the sunshine you’ve brought to Albany.

Yes, friends, I am back in Albany now! And it’s been a whirlwind already.

Our Garden Room

Monday afternoon Jen and I traipsed through Canada (trying out “New York Fries,” which was strange since I didn’t know we had any famous fries, and — to be honest — they weren’t all that good), then crossing into Buffalo, where we parted ways…

When I got to my parents house in Albany, I walked upstairs to set my bags in my old bedroom…only to see THIS:

Apparently three months is too long…I’ve been replaced by a greenhouse! My family has even dubbed this room “The Garden Room.” Sounds so much fancier than it is.

Am I staying in this room? Um, NO. I have far too many belongings. I picked my bags back up and stole a different bedroom.

Hospital Times

Tuesday morning I was woken by my dad letting me know that Grandma had to have emergency surgery. Thank God I was home for that! I spent the day with her, which was actually a ton of fun. When we prayed before surgery, I was like, “Thank you God for this fun day with Grandma.” Dad started cracking up and pointed accusingly at Gram, “She’s YOUR granddaughter, you know!” which had Grandma in “stitches” as she would say.

Surgery went well, but Gram can’t see well for a few weeks. So the day after I moved into my parents’ house for the summer, Grandma moved in…

…to our beautiful, new-fangled luxury suite: “The Garden Room.”

Plans for Summer

I’ve pretty much finished unpacking now and started substitute teaching again, bringing in some extra income, always working to pay off these seemingly endless college loans (ugh) and for some much-needed redesign work my friend is doing this summer.

So the plans for now? I’ll be based in Albany until the beginning of September, working as much as possible, speaking as little as possible (break times are needed so I never stop loving speaking), revising my old book, writing my new book, getting new merch ready, and working with my fabulous Booking Coordinator Joanna to get the fall and spring tours ready.

Welcome home, and welcome Spring! We even have a Garden Room in which to enjoy your short-lived company.

The Course of Loneliness

This year has been absolutely amazing, and yet one of the loneliest years of my life.

When you leave home and come back, everything’s different. People change, friendships change, you change.

Traveling on the Quest for Beauty tour this spring, I often felt forgotten or alone, but there was purpose in it. I was traveling, speaking, doing what I had dreamed of doing all my life!

Coming back from tour to settle in Albany, NY was another matter entirely. After calling Rochester home for 8 years, it felt like I was missing out on life. (Dramatic, I know.)

So this August I moved back to Rochester, to escape the loneliness. Wonderful friends opened up their home to me, and I thought magically my emotions would fall back into place.

Over the next six weeks I got involved at church again and hung out with friends…

…yet the loneliness never left.

I couldn’t figure out why nothing felt right.

I decided to move back to Albany in October. (Turns out not having a life is way cheaper than having a life. Plus, I wasn’t feeling any better emotionally.)

When I came home, I had to come closer to the Lord. I couldn’t hide behind friendships or church, because I had nothing going on besides working 2045953 hours a day on my computer.

And (surprise, surprise) the closer I come to Him, the more I realize I’m not missing out on anything.

In fact, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

He allowed me to find a wonderful church out here in Albany. He also allowed one of my best friends to get a job out this way and actually live with my family for three months (we both are here until the end of January). But above it all, I’m learning to be content.

Years ago I read a quote by Elisabeth Elliot that’s stuck with me ever since:

“Loneliness is a required course for leadership.”

Apparently loneliness isn’t external; it’s internal.

It’s not something to escape; it’s something to surrender.

This year I’ve had to make peace with loneliness. I’ve had to stare it in the face and know that no matter what I feel, I’m never alone.

For some reason, I feel like this lesson is going to be tremendously important throughout the rest of my life.

Why I love Rochester…and my church

My friends back in Albany, NY often ask, “Tiffany, seriously. What’s so great about Rochester? Why would you rather be in Rochester than Albany?”

Okay, so Rochester itself is pretty cool. It’s artsy, lots to do (especially in summer), and is home to Wegmans grocery stores. But I get it. It’s not NYC. It’s not San Diego. It wastes nine of its precious months on winter. (Personally, I think the designers of Rochester should have built the city in a southern state with no snow, but that’s beside the point.)

If I’m being honest, I’ve tried to get out of Rochester for years. I’ve prayed for God to send me anywhere — anywhere! — except for here. (And except for Canada, Alaska, or Antarctica. So anywhere without yearlong winters.)

And then about three years ago…my prayers started changing. Rochester began to feel like home. Why?

Because I fell in love.

No, c’mon people, it’s not a boy. It’s my church.

The five reasons I love my church so much that I would live in winter-hugging Rochester:

5) Saturday morning prayer is probably my favorite time of the week. (Or one of my favorites, anyway.) I love, love, love the unhurried flow of worship.

4) You never know what’s going to happen during the services. It’s like my obsession with spy adventures put into a church setting. Sometimes crazy things happen, which is fun, exciting, and one of my favorite things ever! You never know what to expect, and I love that.

3) We hang out and eat together after church. Sometimes (like last week) we even had pony rides along with the cook out (as you can see from the picture above). Ummm….yes, please!!

2) I love the feeling of community — grabbing coffee with friends before church starts, meeting new people after service, exclaiming over each other’s adorable outfits… I love that.

1) It’s the worship though that really gets me every time. So real, raw, vulnerable… It stirs your soul, facilitates an environment to focus on the Lord, encourages you to pursue God alongside other people. There’s simply nothing quite like it.

So for all my friends who ask me, “Why on earth do you love Rochester so much — of all places?” Well…there you have it. It’s because of my church.

(But if Rochester were to relocate to southern California, I would have no objections.)

The Story of My Car

I got this new-to-me car in Denver. Isn’t she a beauty??

My new car!! ❤

This spring my PT Cruiser stopped creeping along. I was looking at $3,000 of repairs, in addition to the hundreds I’d already spent in the past few months. That’s when God totally provided this car – pristine condition, and super cheap!

Um, yes please!!

This girl, totally used to hand-me-downs (nothing quite as lovely as this), could hardly believe her eyes! I mean…it even has a sunroof!

Without realizing it, over the past few months, this car became like my life to me.

And then yesterday happened.

Oh the irony – after driving all over the country, my car was hit while parked outside my parents’ house in suburbia, NY.

I wanted to drop to my knees and CRY. Or hit something. Like a ten second rewind button for life. (Why haven’t those been invented yet??)

Thank God there was no real damage other than needing new front tires and a panel. The other driver covered the cost. But I found myself wondering at my intense reaction.

My brother reading the manual… me standing on the crowbar, trying to loosen the tire. To no avail.

Why was I SO mad? Like, far more than I felt was normal for me.

Of course I want to take good care of the things God’s given me, but maybe I’ve started holding this car too tightly.

Maybe I’ve forgotten that in the end… it’s just a car. Showing grace to the other driver is way more important than having a perfect car.

This year God’s been challenging me to hold my earthly possessions loosely. Reminding me that I can’t take them with me. 

In eternity, all that matters is loving God with all my heart, and loving people. Not a car.

What other things do I hold too tightly? Forgetting that this world isn’t my home. Forgetting that I can’t take anything with me.

My Oasis

Just spent a week back in Rochester at my church (www.tfhny.org) and catching up with friends practically every second of every day. I drank enough coffee this week to last me a year. Played and sang at my church. Went to Saturday morning prayer. And it felt like finding an oasis in the middle of a desert. There’s something so unexplainably refreshing about being back at my church.

Leaving Rochester once again feels like heartbreak to me. I know I’ll be back in a few months, but it’s hard to not be there every weekend. My heart is there in so many ways, yet I am more thankful than words can express for this year of traveling full-time. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

(Random tidbit: I’ve come up with a great answer for when I meet people and they ask what I do. My answer? “I’m a professional nomad.” Pretty accurate, right? 🙂 Thank God I have a home to return to when I’m done nomad-ing.)

So here are just a few of the incredible people who speak such truth and life into me, who I had the privilege of visiting with this week.

This morning’s worship team and people who have encouraged me so much. Love worshiping with them!!

These ladies from my church are some of the reasons I had the courage to actually venture out on this year tour. So thankful for them.

Krysta: One of my best friends…plus we were college roomies! She inspires me to seek Jesus.

Nate and Michelle, two incredible friends who encourage me more than words can say.

Traci: One of my best friends. We’ll be road tripping to LA together in a month!

My mentor released his book! He and his wife have walked me through some of my most broken seasons. So thankful for them.