God’s been changing my heart…that it’s not about making it big, or tweeting 5,000,000 times a day, or having enough Instagram followers, or packing my schedule a certain amount of fullness…not that there’s anything wrong with those things, but it’s not about those things at all…instead, life is about coming closer to Him.
I know, I’m not in Texas, but the further south I head, the more I want to start saying “y’all.” (Even if I’m only in Baltimore. Which hardly counts as south.)
It’s 3.5 weeks into tour, as I sit here working on this drizzly Saturday evening, clutching my Charmington’s coffee. The energy of coffee shops revives me — I don’t have to talk to anyone, but can still be around people as I work on my laptop. There’s nothing better for an outgoing introvert like myself. (Odd combination, I know.)
So far this tour, I’ve traversed 11 states, with 17 events behind me —
events with divine appointments, people with incredible hearts and visions, so many girls and guys I’ve gotten to talk and pray with…I’m already so full of joy at what God’s been doing and the way He’s moving in hearts.
- Started in Maine, then to…
- New Hampshire…
- Rhode Island…
- New Jersey…
- New York City (I feel like that counts as a state on its own)…
- and now…Maryland and Washington, DC.
Just in case you were curious, this is currently the status of which states I’ve visited so far in life, and the five I still have left to visit.
(Map drawing thanks to http://www.visitedstatesmap.com.)
But the real reason I’m writing (besides the simple fact that I just felt like blogging), is because this tour has been quite different from the past two…mostly because of my heart.
During the past two tours, I was on a “high” that healthy tension creates: the constant tension of “can I make it big?” tempered by “wait, that’s not what it’s all about, God give me humility!” But this tour, so far anyway, I’ve almost felt like I don’t care so much. Maybe that sounds cold, but I don’t mean it to. I’m just not sure how else to put it.
I’ve felt tired from the first day of tour (probably because I haven’t been taking my iron supplements all summer…ooops…who remembers to take vitamins though? C’mon y’all!). And…I’m struggling to find words…but it’s like, I’d be okay to give it all up and stop speaking. Not that I’m necessarily going to, but I don’t feel all that pressure I used to put on myself. Thinking about that pressure makes me tired; I just want to enjoy it where I am.
At first I thought something was wrong; I thought I was getting cold of heart, because I didn’t have the same kind of “excitement” I had in the past. But the more I think and pray about it, this super weird feeling seems to be good — it seems to be one of release.
It’s becoming more about my journey with Him, and what He’s doing in my heart, than anything I’m doing ministry-wise. And when I remember that this tour is simply another Father-daughter adventure, then I get super excited about the ministry portion of it! But when I’m looking at ministry just as ministry, I lose the excitement. And I think that’s a good thing. (It’s all too easy for me to worship ministry…which doesn’t end well. Or to start thinking I’m the one who’s making a difference…which is beyond absurd, because only God can change hearts. And He’ll do it with or in spite of me. I mean, come on, if He can use a talking donkey, He can use anything and anyone!)
So yeah. God’s been changing my heart in what I think is really a good way…that it’s not about making it big, or tweeting 5,000,000 times a day, or having enough Instagram followers, or packing my schedule a certain amount of fullness…not that there’s anything wrong with those things, but it’s not about those things at all…it’s about coming closer to Him.
All of life. All of life is about coming closer to Him.
It doesn’t matter what season we’re in or what we’re doing; the goal of all seasons and all doings is one and the same: To love Him more, know Him more, and in turn love others better.
Sometimes I’ve tried to sprint through seasons, thinking all the good stuff was still ahead. When God kept “holding me back” (or so it seemed at the time), I didn’t realize it was because He was putting me exactly where He wanted and needed me in order to change my heart, make me more like Him, and bring me closer to Him.
There is no such thing as a useless season. There are only seasons. All of which will bring me closer to Him, if only I surrender and let them.
I’ve been thinking about that a lot with the relationship I’m in too.
How all these years I’ve been perpetually single, maybe because that was where God needed me in order to keep my heart on its knees. In the discomfort, I was drawn to Him. And now, maybe a relationship is what He wants to use to smooth out the rough edges, and pull me into Him through the tension of learning to put oneself aside for someone else. (I’m not very good at that yet. At all. So I definitely need the lesson.)
As I sit here drinking my coffee in Baltimore, I’m reflecting on these things, and my heart is filled with sweetness. I don’t have another word to use. Part joy, part peace, part excitement, part love. Sweetness. Because my Father in heaven is with me, sees me, knows me, and simply wants me to come closer to Him.
And there y’all have it. What’s been going on in this girl’s head and heart so far on tour.
3.5 weeks down…6 to go!