“Pray for God to heal your ‘want to.'” – Beth Moore, Breaking Free
Some girlfriends and I are going through Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free” study. And let me tell you, I have a whole laundry list of things I want to break free from! — insecurity, fear, worry… And the list keeps growing. Last week, it seemed like God brought a new thing to mind everyday.
One of the things He brought to mind was a killer realization — SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I thought I’d dealt with this issue already, and here He was peeling back another layer, opening my eyes to see the ways in which I still struggled with this achilles’ heel of mine.
To be honest, I didn’t want to hear it, much less change. I felt comfortable, healthy, and at peace with where I was in this area — apparently, I felt comfortable in these mental and spiritual chains — so much so that I didn’t realize I was still wearing chains!
Until last week, that is.
A few days later my girlfriends and I were watching the video lecture that accompanies Breaking Free, in which Beth Moore said that one of the main reasons people don’t find freedom in any given area, is because they don’t want to let go of the struggle. They find their identity and security in the very thing that’s keeping them in bondage! Though they may be calling out to God to take away their struggle, all the while they may also be clutching it desperately behind their backs, hiding it from Him.
Beth said we have to ask God to “heal our ‘want to,'” so we can begin to hate the bondage instead of love its security, and freely offer our brokenness up to God.
This hit me so profoundly.
Whether it’s bitterness, jealousy, an eating disorder, a victim mentality, an addiction, or a dating relationship that we know we shouldn’t be in — we have to desire freedom from it.
That’s hard to do, because the struggle tries to deceive us into believing it has something good in store for us. It promises self-justification, happiness, security, glory… And until God heals our heart, we can’t always see the truth — that the very thing holding us in bondage is slowly destroying us.
We need His help even to desire Him and His freedom!
So here I am. I don’t think I’m ready yet to ask God to heal my “want to.”