Okay this might seem like a weird blog post. I mean, insecurity is a bad thing…right? No one enjoys feeling insecure, so we strive to overcome it! But the other day I had this thought:
What if insecurity can actually be used for good?
I’m not talking about lingering in our insecurity (which I’ve been guilty of at times); I’m talking about working through it. What if insecurity can be a tool God uses to bring us closer to Himself?
You see, for the past few years I’ve felt pretty secure in Christ, which was a miracle in and of itself! After years of hating myself, drowning in disordered eating, and trembling at the thought of vulnerability in relationships, I thought I’d finally dealt with my insecurities and put them behind me. Wipe your hands on your jeans and move on, that kind of thing.
But apparently insecurity isn’t a one-time deal.
Apparently it comes in onion-like layers, as God heals you deeper and deeper. It seems new situations can trigger the next layer to begin peeling off, and for me that new situation comes in the form of relationships.
For some reason it’s easier for me to feel secure when I’m single. Then I don’t have to worry about all the fears that used to haunt me — fears about keeping a guy’s attention. Now that I’m dating (this truly WONDERFUL guy), I’ve found all these questions and insecurities coming back to me for no apparent reason, things like: “Will someone ever stick around longterm?” “What if he gets bored and I can’t keep his attention?” “What if that girl is prettier than me?” “What will happen when he discovers that I’m not good enough?”
And that’s at the core of it, always: What if I’m not good enough?
Which, if I’m being honest, that’s true. I’m not good enough. But maybe this life isn’t about being good enough; maybe it’s about staying close enough to the Lord.
And that’s what hit me the other day. I was praying about all these questions, asking God what to do with them, when the thought hit me:
My insecurity is bringing me closer to the Lord.
When I’m uncomfortable inside, it pushes me into Him. When I don’t know the answers, I seek Him harder. When I know I’m not good enough, it draws me closer to the only One who is good enough. Who is far more than enough.
And maybe that’s the good thing about insecurity:
It keeps us on our knees, leaning on the only One who can heal our hearts.
For further thoughts on this from my mentor, check out his guest blog post here: “Comparison: How to manage what we can’t escape.”