This is a letter to God that one of my best friends wrote. She agreed to let me use it, but asked me to leave it anonymous so it wouldn’t ruin her “fema-Christian” reputation, as she likes to affectionately term her feminist-Christian self. Reading her letter moved me deeply, as in it I could see her raw honesty with the Lord as she asked to return to a real, fresh, and new relationship with Him, similar to what Allison talked about last time.
Something in me changed this weekend. I don’t know what it is. I always thought I walked a Christian life but I haven’t been. I haven’t been living a spirit-filled life either. Three people all came into my life [this week]. Hanging with them conversations came up about the spiritual side of things: death, addiction, goodness, God. Something clicked.
By pegging myself as a behaviorist or cause + effect Christian (this behavior prompts this response etc) I included this way of thinking into my job, decision, friendships, thinking patterns, ways I related to people. Humans. I see how this way can be wrong. Because this way crowded You out of my actions and thinking. Please forgive me.
Also this weekend I started reading Save Me From Myself by Brian Welch (Korn guitarist). When I heard about his conversion + book I quickly dismissed it. I thought 2 things: it’s fake and I don’t care or he’s giving his band’s secrets up + being unloyal.
My friend gave me the book + I was immediately drawn to it. While not the best writing, I couldn’t put it down. I feel changed by reading it. Synopsis [of the book]: I was on drugs/ depressed. Tried doing it on my own, couldn’t. Finally gave it to God. He healed me. He gave me life +freedom. I owe Him myself. I love Him. I need Him. I am forever grateful to Him.
And I want that to be my prayer. I want that to be my passion. A friend told me to pray for my job, kids [I work with], etc. So Tuesday morning I woke up + prayed. I ended up praying for 2 grad students I know. I texted them that I was praying for them. After I sent it I was nervous. 1. They will think I’m nuts. 2. How well do I know them to send that. 3. Is this an emotional and not spiritual response. 4. I barely prayed, should I have told them after I had prayed awhile, or for months. Would it have been more effective. And 5. will they talk about it to other classmates + I’ll be shunned. I love school. Love classes/ teachers/ everyone there/ learning. Would this be the beginning of the end? Yes, it sounds dramatic I know.
Then they didn’t text me back. My fears were starting to crowd in so I figured I’d give it to God. 1. I had been a good friend to them both first semester and 2. I had stepped out in something I felt was God’s direction.
1030 pm the guy who was one of the texted prayers messaged me telling me “thank you”, “it could be working”, “maybe I’m lucky or blessed”, and that he couldn’t wait to see me Thursday (class beginning). I was so touched I said aww outloud. I am a corndog.
I’m getting so excited. This is what I felt when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend + felt peace + clarity from God. Except this is more of an excitement to go with that peace. I want to be cautious + not “feel things” because I know God is always with me no matter if I feel Him or not.
So I prayed tonight after I was reading Save Me From Myself again. The author mentioned one guy he knew who had one foot in God, one in the world. That is me. So I told God I wanted to live completely for Him.
I’m writing this a little bit scared. I’m comfortable with my way of life/philosophies etc to some degree: I don’t want to turn into those crazy Christians who people reject. I know all the verses about people rejecting you because of God etc but I can’t have that. Connecting with people is my thing. It makes me happy.
So I decided I need to do it. Not get hyper-emotional or spiritual. But just get closer with Him. I want Him to change me so I can have an effect on all the girls/women in my life. And I’m sorry for all the wrong advice or lifestyle I’ve led up to this point. I never wanted or meant to be a poor example to them. I want to lead them to truth and grace and unconditional peace + love.
Tonight I also prayed for God to show me things holding me back or keeping me “luke-warm”. Wow I am the biggest opponent of Christian-ese + now these words.
He showed me this:
Fear. In general holds me back from good things. Fear of rape. Fear of the dark/darkness. And fear of “losing touch”, not being accepted by people I want to befriend, or being criticized or categorized into mainstream beliefs about Christians. He also showed me I need to begin to renew my mind in His word + with some different literature.
That part scared me, for 2 reasons: I guess I pride myself in understanding certain concepts and different views or am constantly wanting to fill my mind with ideas. 2. I had begun to think a lot of Christians are simple minded or think only based on the Bible. Also, I’ve spent a lot of my money + time reading + participating in discussions. I’ve also been on the other side of conservativism. Most everything I am involved in emotionally, mentally, + academically doesn’t have any type of root in Biblical Christianity.
But that’s what I want to become: a Biblical Christian. That is the only way I will affect change in people’s lives.
Lastly… I swear all the time. I’d like to be done with a lot of that. I also don’t want to ever go back to where I used to be.
But it is the spirit in a man,
The breath of the Almighty, that gives him understanding.
To continue on to Devo #14 by my friend Angel, click here!